we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
