whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
