last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
