I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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