I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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