how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
