i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
