No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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