new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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