If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
