apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you had me at cake vodka
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
