so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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