When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
