ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
