The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
