I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
