it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
