I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
