But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
