If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
