he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
