if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
