So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
