i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am midnight drunk by noon
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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