On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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