I wish I could teleport
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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