my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
