in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
