life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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