why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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