there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
