I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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