my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
