saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
