He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
