I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
