Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
