I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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