Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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