i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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