I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
