where am i from again
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
