Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
