when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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