mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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