I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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