I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
