Dude my mom stole all your condoms
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
