saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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