I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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