he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
